SO on Friday night I hosted Carousel Burlesque in our fair Capital City and I thought some people might be curious to know what goes on backstage.

For those in the "don't know" Burlesque is an ancient art form where luscious ladies generally disrobe in a variety of permutations until their jugs are jubbling about unhindered. It usually involves some sort of saucy 50's style soundtrack with flirty looks and peeling of stockings. There is also often the flinging of breasts about afterwards, sometimes rather excitingly in opposite directions.

But the Burlesque genre is a many and varied beast-ess with hundreds of women taking off their clothes in their own special way and Friday night was no exception.

I was invited to host the show by Ms Venus Starr, Burly-Q Meistress and producer of the sell-out event. She was not performing this month however due to carelessly allowing her partner to impregnate her. (Though looking at her you would never think she gave birth 12 weeks ago, hell I look more pregnant than she does.) BUT there were other nudie rudies to titillate the crowds with their... well tits.

The backstage Burlesque world is one infected by sparkles, hairspray, false eyelashes, sequins, garters, suspenders, wax and um, tampons.... Now let me clear up something right now. I am not a Burlesque performer. I love all of those things I mentioned right up to wax BUT that is where I draw a line in the erm... gland. I waxed my legs once and it hurt so much I vowed to never do it again. Also the chicken skin spots that reared up were about as sexy as measles so the very thought of waxing my dewey portal to happiness is one I will not entertain. And as such there will be no stripping for me, well unless the act involves a forest of Daddy Long Leg Spiders.

I also walked in on one fair maiden (WARNING WARNING LADY LEAKS AHEAD) tucking in her tampon string so as not to get a wet-spot on her G-String gusset. (Isn't gusset a wonderful word.) That's right it wasn't her portal renovation period, she was just keeping things nice and dry. I did think to remind her that there was a toilet cubicle right next to her lunging form but hey, I can cross seeing that off my bucket list now.

But once lips were plumped, hair was curled, nipples were stickered, glitter was smeared, heels were slipped into and strings were tucked, we were off like knickers at Hugh Hefner's.

We had an act who pierced herself with needles attached to birthday candles (I believe she also does children's parties), we also had an aerialist on a hoola hoop, a balloon popping act , a fan dance and the crazy and hysterical Magenta Diamond who basically fondled a man into an erection onstage. And through it all I kept performing limericks, songs and poems and saying fuck a lot, coz I am clever like that.

The audience was rearing to go, a comedy gift of an audience who laughed at everything I said. There was even a Ginger Grizzly Adams in the audience leading the rock n Roll charge and the hysteria mounted to palpable levels. There must be something about tits that drives people crazy. I obliged by wearing mine very high and sticking them in men's faces.

Thankfully for their faces however mine remained in my corset. I just know that if I were to get mine out I would take an eye out in the front row with my attempts at twirling. It wouldn't so much be saucy swirling as mammary bashing with another one coming right after. One good thing though, it could be a very useful renewable energy source. Get me winding up onstage and I might just be able to power Levin with the wind energy generated.

HHmm I might just ring Jeremy Wells and talk to him about it.

GO and see the next Carousel Burlesque in September I dare you. There will only be one dry seat in the house.

Arty B&W Shot of Pashing

Hosting Carousel Burlesque in Wellington

Excitable Punter Gets Excited During "I'm So Excited".

A lucky man in the audience feels the full force of mother nature.

Svetlana Sings the Blues

Rohypnol Girl sung in a Duvet.

Wow so apparently a female columnist at The Guardian, of all papers, thinks that women should support Michelle Bachmann purely because she is a woman and we need more female representation.

Never mind the fact that she thinks women should all do what their husbands tell them to do, even studying tax law despite hating it because her husband told her to, as "she had to be faithful to what God was calling her to do through her husband".

Incidentally I wonder what else he tells her God has said to do; "Oh honey I know you don't feel like pleasing little Ronnie Reagan tonight but God told me to tell you to get busy or yet another Arab Country might go all Islamy".

I wonder what would happen if she was elected to the highest office in the USA and suddenly it was crunch time. Her finger poised over the button (giving her husband's little Georgie Back-Bush a break), trying to decide whether it's time to blow Canada up once and for all. When suddenly she skips off to boot up a Skype conversation with Mr Michelle to ask him what he thinks from his Jacuzzi that he told her to buy for him.

He would answer with "Well Stephen Harper seems pretty gay to me, and Pro-Canadian which is clearly Anti-American, let's cure him baby" then go back to rubbing baby oil into his caddy's pecs.

To suggest we should support a woman who thinks that public education is creating a child holocaust and that slavery meant a better nuclear family for black children is right up there with suggesting Gary Glitter as the next president of the PTA because their diversity is lacking a Glam Rocker.

So Angela Cummine (Cummine seriously.... as in hey Michelle the Lord won't like it if I'm not Cummine), you can take your pseudo-feminist stance and shove it where your tampon doesn't shine. Though no actually that's a very nice place, a warm inviting fun place saved especially for a nice partner who asks to go there. So instead you can throw it in a sewer where it belongs.

It is insulting to my feminist sensibilities to abdicate reason in the face of statistics. Yes I would like more female representation obviously, but I'm not going to vote in Myra Hindley as Minister for Children just because the ladies loos are underused.

I will instead tell my niece as often as possible that she is very clever and can do whatever she wants, despite what any man tells her to do.

(Excepting maybe her Daddy til she's about 18.)











No he isn't a closet case at all, as Steve Gray has pointed out!

Here is an old poem I just stumbled across that I rather like...

Don't Get Caught Out in the Rain

In the year 2000 I was going to be 26

Incredibly old

Probably married

……..no babies though

Gross

I was going to celebrate

In grand style

With a huge number of friends

On an island resort

My husband and I would dance to Copacabana

We’d be drinking Pina Colada’s

Our lives and arms intertwined

As we drank from coconut shells

Little umbrellas fending off

The non-existent rain

As it didn’t fall

From the non-existent clouds

I was successful

In the year 2003 I remember

The angry black clouds of the Millennium

I remember sparks peeping through

The thick firework proof blanket

I remember holding my friends vomiting head

In a Grafton Bridge gutter

I remember dancing on Mission Bay

Bowing to my Tongan Queen as he was typically fabulous darling

I remember quaffing Lindauer

With my non-existent husband

As non-existent little umbrellas

Were demolished in the storm

But…..I am successful

I don’t want my 1984 dreams

They would make my 2003 dreams non-existent

I‘d be married to Simon Le Bon

My 2003 reality would be non-existent

I would be non-existent

And who wants that

Instant Kiwis is the website to see all the details!

In Christchurch, from about the age of 16 onwards it was a very regular occurrence in my life to attend Scared Scriptless at the Court Theatre at 11pm on a friday night.

Therefore as we are kicking off late night improv at Q Theatre in Auckland in about two months, I am rather excited about it.

Instant Kiwis, it shall be called, see what we did there. Comedy with Power Balls! I usually hate ascribing a male anatomical characteristic to describe comedy BUT I also like a good pun. What's a liberated girl to do but swallow her principles and scream "balls". It also plays into our Jane Austen and Zombie show... so I wasn't talking testicles at all.

Really.

It is also quite exciting as you see this year I was to play Scared Scriptless in ChCh for the very first time. I was booked in to play last year but situations got on top of me...ooo er and I had to ... pull out. SO I was delighted to book my flight to Christchurch for April 9th, a flight that I booked on February 20th.

Awesome.

So then the ground moved for everyone and the Arts Centre which houses the Court Theatre is terminal it seems. SO no Scared Scriptless for me BUT instead Instant Kiwis for me and you. If you are in ChCh you can still see SS, just not in the Theatre where I got inspired to be an actor, but all over town. And if you're in Auckland we are in the brand spanking new Q Theatre.

It is exciting and a privilege to be an Improv company in residence at a brand new theatre, hopefully we won't leave too many skidmarks.

MCing A Year at the Pah, Poetry Performance

A great gig this Sunday at The Pah homestead in Hillsborough. A totally beautiful house with great artworks. You should go and see them.

All Blacks campaign: no sex for fans - Rugby World Cup - NZ Herald News

All Blacks campaign: no sex for fans - Rugby World Cup - NZ Herald News

OK so as someone who lives within walking distance of Eden Park I am already annoyed with the street parking situation so there's no way I am going to let Telecom ahem ... screw with my sheet parking situation too. I say the slogan should not be "Abstain for the Game" but rather "Fuck for the Cup" or perhaps more luridly "Stain for the Game". It may be ahem.. tongue in cheek but I will use my tongue for pashing rather than poking out my skin. I mean FFS I actually have a boyfriend, which was a rarity for sometime as previous posts will show, so rather than use him simply to build fires and compliment my cooking, every now and then, maybe once a week or so if we're energetic, I may well use him for sex too. When I say use, I won't emotionally stamp on him and kick him out afters, he pays half the rent, I will instead make some nice shepherd's pie, open a bottle of red and pash by the fire.

SO I have a shiny new computer and downloaded a shiny new add on for sharing on Blogger. So I may well post more than once a menstrual cycle from now on. Who am I kidding, it's been more like once in a gestational cycle, but I shall attempt to spit out blogs more often than a Mormon wife with no contraception squirts out kids.

Maybe one soon on how goddam maternal I am.