Thursday, January 03, 2013

Promise and Promiscuity

Up and Coming Excitements!

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Arnie is a Douche... and other interesting stories.

Wicked Wednesday has rolled around once more, so let’s get down to some gorgeous gossipy goodness.

Muscle bound lothario Arnold Schwarzenegger is causing yet more controversy over his womanising and spawning of illegitimate children via a tell-all book entitled Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. But according to close friends of Shriver’s his Total Recall is addled by his roid rage and it is about as truthful as a John Banks statement. (This is the opinion of Penny Ashton, Penny Ashton repeat Penny Ashton.)  I am never one to believe “sources close to the xyz” but he hardly appeared contrite and was apparently laughing about certain no doubt painful recollections for Shriver.  His book does praise her continually, which is something after 25 years of marriage, but he is a man of secrets which is interesting in a Governor. Apparently he didn’t tell Maria he was undergoing Open Heart surgery and also did not inform her of his plans to run for Governor until 3 days before announcing.

He’s so special.  I believe Nadzeya Ostapchuk has a poster of him on her wall.


 It’s alimentary my dear readers.  That’s right, Bieber seems have caught a little Bieber Fever causing his peristalsis action to reverse, much like I do at the sound of his music, and depositing his milk onstage during a concert in Arizona.  Some might say he was sick at the sound of his own voice, especially as the track seems to continue when he is in mid toast tossing, but whatever the reason mid way through a dance routine Bieber swings around, throws up then runs offstage.  I may not be a fan of his sounds but I have to give the wee-un mad props for coming back onstage not long after and finishing an energetic show.  He’s a true professional to be sure and his fans got to see a side of him they never have before, his insides.  Well done laddie.  I expect a pile of vomit will appear on ebay anyday now.

Seriously Vegas needs to sort itself out.  There are some massive leakages occurring and quite frankly I am scared to go there and do naughty things as it seems all news no longer stays in Vegas.  This week it’s Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend causing issues.  Apparently, buoyed on by one too many Mountain Dew’s, Ms Hilton decided to get better acquainted with a lady’s tonsils in the XS nightclub in the Encore casino. However her new man River Viiperi decided he didn’t want to share his Barbie Doll and after throwing a tanty went onto to assault the woman’s boyfriend.  No doubt the victim was telling River to calm down and stop ruining the show.  (CODA new reports are surfacing to say none of it is true.  That’s so the first time that’s ever happened….)

This is me partying in Vegas with my tongue. 

Anne Hathaway may have freaked out at lopping off her long luscious locks to play Fantine in Les Miserables but she still looks rather stunning to me and her wedding pics show the same. She married her longtime boyfriend and jewellery designer Adam Schulman this week in Big Sur California and looks to be somewhat blissed out.  As a new marriage celebrant myself I am a big fan of weddings and people in lerrrrve are rather marvellous.  I also cannot wait to see her singing the snot out of I Dreamed a Dream on the big screen.  I know every single lyric to Les Mis so don’t sit next to me.

Clearly an authorised photo.

It’s baby popping time in Hollywood this week with both Reese Witherspoon and Drew Barrymore spitting out little bundles of pooey goodness. Personally I like to leave breeding to those with more patience and waterproof clothing, but it’s nice to see other people re-populate the planet.  Drew was quite the adorable child so I hope she keeps her daughter off her path to drugs and good times all facilitated by that notorious drug fiend E.T.  Drew’s daughter is named Olive whilst Reese’s little lad is called Tennessee. I see country music in his future… oh and PS how will he be fed….. With a Spoon. Get it!!!

Not a famous child but my niece.  CUTE!

My shock look of the week is none other than that charming 18 year old of good taste Courtney Stodden.  For those in the don’t know Courtney married Green Mile actor Doug Hutchison, 52, at the tender age of 16.  Let’s say it together….. ewwwwwwwwww. She tweets pure sugar and rainbow unicorns but now they have enrolled in the reality show Couples Therapy.  This seems like a great show where couples attempt to save their marriages by talking about it on the tele.  Genius.  This is Courtney taking her dog for a run, in just your average jogging outfit.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Emmy's and Celebs Behaving Badly

Well hello Good Morning faithfuls.  It’s Gossip Wench Wednesday again and here I am to deliver some tasty morsels of gossipy goodness.

I’m kicking off this week with one of the stock standard gossip mainstays…an Awards ceremony!  The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards dawdled their way through Monday afternoon before dying slowly after 3.5 hours of floundering in a pool of tepid laughs. The Emmy’s suffer from repetitive fame injury as every year the same shows go head to head with often the same winners.  As such the host has to be extra funny as do the set pieces.  Sadly Jimmy Kimmel’s skits made Schindler’s List look like Seinfeld.  The jokes were lamer than a Seabiscuit with 3 broken legs and an ingrown hoof.

There were some highlights with Jon Stewart fighting his way past Stephen Colbert, Julia Louis Drefuss switching speeches with Amy Poehler and Damian Lewis’ excellent speech and surprise win, but not even Ricky Gervais’ hilarious short stint could save the overall feeling of the show.  It was like being bored to death by your boring uncle at a boring family function.

It amazes me how people that are responsible for making marvellous tele could make such a bad tele show.  Points however to Sofia Vergara for splitting her dress with her magnificent booty then sharing it with the world via twitter saying “Yes, this happened twenty minutes before we won!” or more like "Jshess, dis haaaapen tweany menuts befour we waaan".

Here’s a great Live Blog from the Guardian for an indepth analysis.

Yes Jon Cryer I'm surprised too...but happy for you.  I loved Pretty in Pink.

In a breaking story from under the news desk, Monica Lewinsky has been shopping a tell-all book around literary agents recently.  She has apparently come to terms with the fact that all she will ever been known as is someone who kept “that” dress and did that “thing” with Billy Boy Clinton and is determined to make some money out of it.  I do feel sorry for the woman, she after all was a young intern and he was the most powerful man in the world yet he is seen as a great studly guy who is the darling of the dinner speaking circuit and she is seen as a ho with a fondness for cigars.  I can understand her wanting to make some money out of her decades of shame, I imagine the oral version will go off, BUT the person I feel most sorry for is Hilary as this may affect her tilt at the Whitehouse.

Still, at least she won’t have to sit at “that” desk.

My what a big ... intellect you have.

Paris Hilton is not known for her sterling intellect nor social graces.  Yet I would never have pegged her for a homophobe. However in a cab ride with friends recently she was recorded as saying gays were “disgusting” when discussing the app Grindr (which brings guys together who are looking to share a hot chocolate).  It is unfair to record a private recording but to say all gay guys will get AIDS is also rather ignorant.  Paris has apologised however and promised to try harder.  Something I would not have thought possible.

See she loves fairies really.

I will hardly waste any pixels on the following story but it is reported that Kanye wants Kim Kardashian to lose 10 kilos and dress more like Kate Middleton.  I am presuming this story is hogwash, as to dress like Kate, Kim would have to stop eating for a month and her whole image is based on her curves. If it is true then Kanye is a dick.  The end.

Yeah, she's sooooooooo fat.  I'm amazed a team of scientists didn't turn up to roll her off the beach.

And finally in baby news Robbie Williams has spawned.  Teddy or Theodora Rose was born last week to Robbie and his wife Ayda Field and Robbie tweeted a rather cute pic of him and his little Angel.  I imagine through it all he offers her protection, a lot of love and affection, whether he’s right or wrong.  Robbie certainly seems to have cleaned up, settled down and become a domesticated animal.  He’s not as sexy as he used to be, but he's waaay happier, so hooray for him.

Yeah so maybe the lustre on that gilt has dimmed slightly...but he's still funny I am sure.

My shock look is Sofia Vergara’s behind.  So pert, her thighs don’t touch, she’s a goddess. She apparently was initially distraught at this splittage, but then tweeted this pic herself.  Stay Classy, seriously.

 See below!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sofia Vergara's Ass-ets

I love Sofia Vergara.  I love the fact she tweeted this ass picture herself.

I think she just did it to show everyone that her booty is more pert than most breasts and that her thighs don't touch at the top. 

And I can hear her saying that "Jshess, dis haaaapen tweany menuts befour we waaan".

Apart from this the Emmy's were pretty bloody boring.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Good Morning Blogs

Well hello Blogosphere.  I have been remiss BUT what with updating twitter, facebook, websites and my boyfriend, a girl is short of hours in her day.  The boyfriend takes for ever to update believe me.

ANYWAYS I have therefore decided  to kick myself into action and will be coming to you at least weekly from now on.

If you haven't seen I am a weekly gossip monger on the Good Morning Television show and as such am blogging on their fine website each week. I have decided to re-blog it here as well, with all the scandalous juicy sweary bits in it.


SO that time has rolled around again, it’s Gossip Wench Wednesday and I am kicking off a brand new blog on all the shenanigans I intrepidly report on for all you saucy Good Morning –philes.

Kate is welcomed by South Pacific Boobies

This week we can look no further than Kate Middleton’s moment in the erm…sun. You’d have to be living under a corgi hutch to not have heard that The Duchess of Shamebridge was snapped sunning her vol-au-vents in a French Chateaux recently.  Many, including that bastion of good taste Donald Trump, have weighed in on the topic, declaring her foolish to get her pretty pink princesses out in public.  However One thinks it must be safe to assume when One is nearly one kilometre away from Ones access road that One may hope no nasty little pappa-nasty with a camera can see you.

Gallant Prince Willie is very concerned to see Her Royal Pertness treated in a similar fashion to his mother and so the Palace have filed a birthday suit lawsuit against the sordid mag Closer.  Sadly an Irish paper, aggrieved by hundreds of years of the English rubbing their assets in their face, have also published them and an Italian magazine owned by that other bastion of good taste, Pervio Berlusconi, will follow (birthday) suit.

I just think it’s sad Kate didn’t turn sideways.  Then no one would have been able to spot her at all.

Foundation Face and Fruity reconcile.

Millions of Twihards the world over are seething at the news that Trampire and her Prince Twarming have reconciled and are back together which means he will never be theirs.  Yup “apparently” K-Stew and R-Pattz have thrown off the silver shackles of infidelity and are shimmering gloriously in the sun once more. Seems that Rob has realised that everyone makes mistakes, (just look at his hair) and has taken the contrite actress back into his cold undead bosom.  Awwwww.

As you can see in the 70's it was No Abs Required.

Speaking of cold startling revelations Roger Moore has …. erm revealed that he has bedded far more women that James Bond ever has.  Considering James Bond is a figment of someone’s imagination this isn’t all that surprising. I can claim the same in fact. 

Pedantic quibbles aside Moore certainly was a prime side of British gristle in his day, but when I see his current pics this story makes me a little queasy. I like my sex symbols without Zimmer frames and a possible threat of cardiac arrest.  Watching Sean Connery cheer on Andy Murray made me worry for his prostate, and that’s just not sexy.

But back to Roger, which is what he did, a lot.  More Roger Moore…. More Roger MORE, Roger me Moore… 

I feel pretty oh so prettyyyyy

This next story makes me very nearly lose the will to live, but I like picnic bars and floral frocks so will live to fight another day. But should I lose that will again all I have to do is jump into the passenger seat of either Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan’s car and my dilemma will be sorted.   Both these female Charlie Sheen wannabes are constantly in trouble with the Police due to their love of smashing into other cars, often while smashed, or just being silly little Prima Donna wastes of botoxed human skin.  I can hardly bring myself to comment on them further but apparently they are feuding over who is worse.

So I will solve it.

They both suck and both risk other people’s lives with their dangerous driving and reckless stupidity. That was a bit serious… moving on.

My shock look of the week is recidivist offender Lady Gaga.  Though to be fair when a woman is a walking work of art, offender is the wrong word.   She beats her own drum Ms Germanotta (whatever Madonna whinges) and we all like to see what happens next.

This week she opened milliner Philip Treacy’s London Fashion Week show.  Treacy is known for having a weirdly spelled name and for creating such legendary hats as Princess Beatrice’s IUD crossed with a startled moose fascinator from the Royal Wedding. Here Gaga is sporting a floral wreath which would make it difficult to poke her face…. Just saying.

Below is a pic I shopped for GM but we didn't run with the Nicky Minaj story in the end, I like it though.  So here it is. 


Friday, March 23, 2012

Well thanks very much Theatreview, "he handles the audience like a pro.." so he does my boyfriend.

Original Review

Dunedin Fringe 2012
GUSH: Love and Other Filthy Habits
with Penny Ashton and Matthew Harvey

at Fortune Theatre Studio, Dunedin
Until 23 Mar 2012
[1 hr]

Reviewed by Patrick Davies, 23 Mar 2012

A frequent visitor to Dunners, Penny Ashton always raises a good crowd and this was the case again last night in the Fortune Studio. A lot of repeat offenders wrangled their kin and friends to come and enjoy the titillating temptress who is never afraid to let rip on sex, love and boobs.

In Gush she has teamed up with her boyfriend Matthew Harvey to present an evening of poetry, song and fun. In this Fringe it is good to see a comedy show that has a bit of difference from the mainstream stand-up formats on offer. (No doubt there should be a forum on it: the place of stand up in Fringe festivals. Innovation? Experimentation? I don't think so.)

Anyhoo, resplendent in their finest nunnery, Ashton and Harvey take the stage to start a slide into the heavenly delights of love and the serious sins in our minds – well, their minds, the show's about them really. This is Harvey's first overseas Fringe and he handles the audience like a pro. His poetry is seemingly simple in construction but is laced with pun, metaphor and wildly hilarious observations about the world, him and his love: Penny.

Penny is at the top of her game. She easily slides in and around the audience poking a well placed nod at everything from the ones who are left behind to those c**nts who still think size matters. She plays us like a drunken slapper and we love it. Her patter is so sweet she takes us on her journey and before you know it we are surrounded by rhymes as we realise we're into another poem.

I have never heard so many geographical locations used as an aphrodisiac! This is not to say there are no still moments; her poem ‘Awesome' is a real spine-tingler that lets us into her heart.

Interspersed with their ol' ukuleles, a banjo and a guest instrument, the songs are just as whacky and funny, and both are in fine voice. While the topics range from our filthy habits and things Ashton and Harvey hate, they are always well constructed and beautifully performed poems that make us laugh and think about it at the same time.

The two highlights are each performer's love poems about the other: quite marvellous. The joy these two are having with each other spills onto the stage and gushes all over the audience.

If you like your comedy a little different, a little risqu̩ and always fun, then this is a fabulous show to grab a group together for. Have a few bubbles and laugh your arse off, especially at the finale (Matthew Рthat was very courageous and brilliant)! Go see it.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I find when I am trying to stop an evil child kidnapping dictator, it's best that I writhe on the sand half naked... Charlie Sheen might want to date me too.

12 Years ago, I had short hair, some more pounds and was a Gynecologist. Follow my story arc.

Shortland St is 20 years old this year, here's my three days involvement's worth.