In honour of my new column I am going to publish some of the best of my old ones. The following is from my Xtra Column of August 2004.

Hot Vince

As I fell asleep on the toilet floor this morning after throwing up everything I didn’t eat for breakfast, I contemplated back on the night before.

My mother would have asked if the evening was worth the pain and misery I was now enduring. She would have asked if all those red wines, beers and…..er bourbon and cokes were worth the gut wringing spasms and lung puking that was occurring.

And I would have to tell her, oh yes, yes it was.

The evening started as many do, with me preparing for my show here in Edinburgh. It was a Saturday night and I anticipated a good crowd and was excited at the prospect of possibly even 30 people. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up though as the show started with a meagre 16. Thankfully a further 6 trooped in AND what they lacked in size they made up for in charm.

Everything was going marvellously well and I even dropped the c word in as I felt we were really sharing. Jut after that I shielded my eyes from the spotlights to see if anyone put up their hands when I asked who liked a damn good pash when….wait a minute….oh my god is it….yes it bloody well is….sitting in the back row of my show is none other than 70’s comedy poetry legend Pam Ayres. Holy shit! And I just used the c word, oh my god.

Yes mum, Pam Ayres was sitting there with a lovely crooked smile on her face at MY show. Seemingly unperturbed by c words she later told me that she really enjoyed the show and even gave me a hug and a kiss. Wow, how cool.

I then floated off to a friend’s house for a dinner party and that’s where the drinking began. What better way to consume wine than with couscous, chocolate torte and dip.
After dinner I had to rush back to another venue to do a late night gig. This one possibly didn’t go as well as I’d hoped so I drowned my sorrows in some beer and headed to the performers bar at the Gilded Balloon, where, for some university inspired flashback of stupidity, I started drinking Jack Daniels.

I was having a perfectly lovely time flirting with an Oxford grad that runs a film company when none other than Vince Vaughan walks into the bar. Yes that’s right Vince Vaughan. For those who don’t know VV was the cool dude in Swingers, the Psycho in the remake and is the half of Dodgeball that isn’t Ben Stiller. He’s sexy he’s hot (though not quite so much at 3am) and he’s cool so I went over and chatted to him. (I did mention the wine, beer and bourbon huh?) For a Hollywood star he was pleasant, slightly stand-offish and not keen to be interviewed for National Radio on my mini-dat recorder. Ahhhh well.

Then after chatting to Oxford man some more I decided to run off with Jack Daniels, however when I went to leave at 5am Oxford was waiting for me and it would seem he was very keen for a coxed pair. I agreed to a chaperone home but soon it became apparent that he would have raised his hand in my show when I asked the question “Who likes a damn good pash?” I managed to disentangle myself from his amorous intents and headed off alone.

I then got lost and three young Scottish lads called Jimmy, Ewan and Duncan (seriously) gave me bad directions so I got lost some more. Finally a lovely lady called Mary who was walking to work walked with me to the right destination. My bed!

Three hours later my alarm was ringing and I had to get up to go to a meeting. I thanked my lucky stars I felt fine BUT I guess I was just still drunk. Eventually the halo of the hangover descended and RALF and I became best mates. For the first time in my life I did a full show hungover and I must say, despite puking a good 15 times today, it was one of my best shows ever.

To ensure the same thing happens tomorrow I’m off for a drink now. I’m hoping that Edgar AllenPoe will show up in my audience, that I’ll pash Christian Slater and Keanu Reeves on the Royal Mile and that Jack Daniels and I will get married.

Did I mention I’m delirious by the way.

Choice.