Fuck me, was it really that long ago that I put thought process to pixel and spat out some interweb ramblings? To my four (hello Kojo) readers I am immensely sorry. You have probably well and truly buggered off by now anyways BUT just in case you have ventured back due to some weird masochistic urge to re-read old crap, a thousand apologies for your wasted Broadband usage.

In spite of what you may think I truly have a good excuse. I have been knee deep in porn and erection enhancement rings promoting and performing my new show Hot Pink Bits. And to be honest I've been partaking in some non-virtual pink bits activities as well.

OOO errrrr you say. Well yes.

But let's start at the very beginning , for as Julie Andrews says, it's a very good place to start.

So first on the Pinky agenda this year was the World Busker's Festival in Christchurch where I premiered my brand spanking new show Hot Pink Bits to a rather lovely response. I had nearly 1000 people come and see my pontifications on porn, prostitution and Lockwood Smith in dirty old Christchurch. I even spanked naughty councillor Barry Corbett's bot bot on stage for being a filthy perve......well actually he was a total sweetheart but it suited my show better for him to be a Cantabrian gimp with a rampant flagellation fetish AND desperate for a beating, so voila, he was.

And to think he did my birthday call on 3ZB when I was ten, I feel violated.

From there I toured my show to the Wellington Fringe Festival and my first entirely sold out season at Bats Theatre where I had a brilliant time. The staff and audience at Bats are amazing and do a fab job, and it was so nice to do such a successful season in the best indie theatre in the country. (Incidentally if you're ever in Wellington New Zealand, pop in and say hi and give them lollies, they're much more fun when they're bouncing off the walls on food colourings.)

Some of my reviews said quite choice things like:

Dominion Post Review 12th February 2007

Hot Pink’s Polish

Another show with sex as its centre the one-woman comedy Hot Pink Bits, playing at Bats. Written and performed by former Royal NZ Ballet dancer-turned-comedienne Penny Ashton, this polished and confidently performed show takes an irreverent look at sex that is far from dirty and very, very funny.It is not so much about how we do it – or don’t – as it is a quirky and fascinating look at things associated with sex, such as fetishes, prostitution and porn. ...... It is just a pity that Ashton is assigned only a five-night season as this highly professional show deserves a much longer run.

(For those of you who didn't know I was in the Royal NZ ballet.... neither did I!!! But I guess those 90's were a blur of cocaine and Russian contortionists so who knows.)

Scoop Review

12th February 2007

Penny Ashton’s lively show is an energetic hurtle through 7,5000 years of sex-obsessed human social evolution, from Palaeolithic stone idolatry through to Internet dominatri and 0900 relationships......Hot Pink Bits is cheerfully irreligious, and delightfully disrespectful of politicians, celebrities and many other desperate wannabes. The full spectrum of perversion is delicately sampled, with a wit that is sharp without ever being cruel.The audience was happy to be shamelessly manipulated, joining in a general knowledge quiz for prizes, offering up one lucky punter to act in a homage to ‘70s porn, and another to bump and grind, as well as participating en-mass in a stirring group orgasm. Ms Ashton’s enthusiasm and comedic competency deliver all that is promised, including the splendid corset which renders her remarkable chest remarkably chesty. ......This is a great evening out, equally fun for grownup boys or girls, whether desperate and dateless or durably coupled.


So there we go.

Since then I have been attempting to do things like vastly overdue GST returns but just can't be fucked.

Well actually I have been, and quite regularly, but unfortunately this isn't helping me achieve all my goals. Though to be fair as one of my goals is to be serviced by a very tall, very sexy man, it seems I am ticking that box quite satisfactorily but all the others have been as badly neglected as Anna Nicole's pot plants.

I have therefore dealt with this situation very maturely ........ by running away.

Hey, it worked for King Edward the Eighth, when he abdicated for that hotty Wallis Simpson.......

OK so maybe that's a bad comparison, and to be honest ever so slightly wanky, but nonetheless I am now holed up in Teal Bay 40 km out of Whangarei so I can recuperate and recharge my batteries with some salt water and Pinot Noir.

I am in a good old fashioned Kiwi Bach I found online that is about 20 metres away from the sea. I can hear it pounding away now as I type as a matter of fact and that makes me feel relaxed and happy. Hooray for New Zealand, I truly love the beach. I didn't used to, I used to be mortified of looking like a beached whale in a Speedo Spandex wrist cuff, buuuuuuut happily I'm over that now. I discovered the big breast bikini shop and now feel a little more comfortable about getting my mammaries out for general consumption.

Now some may think it blasphemous to be online at a bach but let me tell you I am on dial-up right now and waiting for a response from the Super Unleashed Snail network that is Telescam is just as painful as eating lentils and doing fire-poi, so feck off with your judgements.

So there.

Mind you I can only cope with dropping out out for 3 days max and will be back to the hectic pace of Auckland life on Thursday. And as I am here with girlyfriend from school, I am very much looking forward to whatever testosterone filled tall delights the City of Males may have to offer me.`

Choice
Penny
xo


And here are some photos from the show...


So many sexy men so little time....a lucky punter strips in HOT PINK BITS!




"Hello everyone, I'm Richard the Cock Puppet!"




Getting Friendly with the Repertory Audience




"And then, you like won't believe what happened!"




"I know, I can like hardly believe it myself!"




"Get em OFFFFF!"




Thank you and GOODNIGHT!

All Hot Pink Bits Photos © Dave Binstead

HOT PINK BITS!

Everything You Never Wanted to Know……


Whatever happened to Divine Brown? Can a phone sex operator get RSI? Do people really have sex through a pizza? Frustrated you can’t look any of this up on your work computer? Then Hot Pink Bits is the show for you.

That’s right everyone’s favourite dirty girl Penny Ashton is back, and in 2007 she’s naughtier than ever. For her brand spanking new show Penny has trawled the ins and…outs of the international sex industry and will tell you all about the lives of the she’s, he’s, and she-males that make a living in the world’s oldest profession.

Resplendent in a hot pink corset, dripping in cheap jewelry and accompanied by Dwight the Ivory-tinkling Home-Schooled boy-Wonder, Ashton will sing, dance and pontificate on porn, prostitutes and Lockwood Smith in a burlesque-esque romp through the kickers of the global sex trade. There’ll be a group orgasm, a live sex show, an audience gimp and a very sexy stripper. Songs will be reinvented, fetishes will be indulged and Nana will need a lie down. But of course it will all be done…in the best POSSIBLE taste.

Penny Ashton is New Zealand’s own global comedienne who has been making a splash on the world stage since 2002. She has two Billy T nominations, five Best Female Comedienne nominations and one Adelaide Fringe People’s Choice nomination.

One day she hopes to win something.

“…can't fail on a stage in the English speaking world.”  edinburghguide.com 2004
“…a potty mouthed Pam Ayres.”  Metro Edinburgh 2005
"She was funny, charmingly friendly and warm......Pure class." Nelson Mail – September 2006

Ashton has performed all over New Zealand and in Canada, USA, Singapore, London, Australia, Germany and Scotland. In 2006, Penny represented New Zealand in The World Cup of Theatresports in Germany and Australasia in a Performance Poetry Slam Tournament Tour of the UK. She is a regular on National Radio, Breakfast TV and at the bar. She drinks sav blanc.

More of her global exploits and achievements can be read at www.hotpink.co.nz and www.myspace.com/hotpinkpennyashton.

Her HOT PINK BITS and other miscellaneous dates are as follows:
January 18th – 22nd as MC for the Late Night with the Buskers at the Loaded Hog, Cashel St, CHCH.
January 23rd – 27th HOT PINK BITS, Repertory Theatre, Kilmore St, CHCH, 9pm, Door Sales only
February 4th – 5th HOT PINK DOES ROTO-VEGAS, Rotorua Festival of the Arts
February 10th – 14th HOT PINK BITS, Wellington Fringe Festival, Bats Theatre, 8pm, Book on (04) 802 4175 or book@bats.co.nz

Hot Pink Bits – All Singing, All Dancing and ………All WRONG!
R18, Content WILL Offend


Thanks to DVice Shops for their kind support of HOT PINK BITS!

Today I did something monumental! I officiated over my very first union ceremony.

For those of you who don't know I am a Civil Union Celebrant. A civil Union is what the New Zealand government defines as a marriage that both homosexuals AND heterosexuals can enter into. Marriage is still the domain of heteros (though personally I don't know why they just didn't go the whole hog and let gays marry) but both persuasions can have a Civil Union.

The one I did was for a heterosexual couple who decided they supported the bill so much they would CUP instead of Marry. Which I liked as I can't actually marry people, as that's a lot harder to become qualified for and basically one of the old fuckers has to shuffle off the mortal coil before new ones are appointed!

MAN, that was a lot of legal mumbo jumbo so I'm glad we got that bullshit out of the way.

ANYWAY, it was really really lovely. Not just because of the fact their vows were lovely, the families were beautifully supportive and the rain held, but because I was the legal glue in the mix. I made it official, and that was waaaaaay cool, if I'm going to be intellectual about it.

It was really nice to be able to translate what I do, ie rabbiting on in front of people, into a meaningful setting. If you do a good gig at the classic people remember you for a few years maybe, but if you make their ceremony more special, your skills will be remembered indefinitely.

And though that sounds arrogant, as if it's all about me, it's not. It's just really fulfilling to turn talking crap into something more for other people to enjoy and remember.

OK yes I've had a few wines, and yes maybe you feel the fact you don't have anyone to say such lovely things to and that makes you slightly soppy, but either way I had a lovely time and SOOOO want to do more.

So if you want to CUP, just drop me a line, and if you want me to marry you, email your local MP!!!

Penny

Happy New YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR

Yes yes yes, sorry I am crap. And I'm afraid nothing is about to change. Well unless you're a new reader that is as it's retro time again!

Yep as I am FLATOUT preparing for my new show:

HOT PINK BITS - Christchurch Busker's Festival, 23rd - 27th January, Repertory Theatre, 9pm, Door Donations Only

AS well as for the Rotorua Festival of the Arts - February 4th and 5th

AND the Wellington Fringe, Bats Theatre, 8pm, February 10th - 14th.

SO

I am repeating an XTRA column from two years ago when I had just done exactly what I'm about to do now.

Enjoy



Hot Head - 01.02.05

I'm sitting in a lovely cyber cafe in Rotorua on a Sunday afternoon. Earlier today, as is befitting my star status, I performed a 10 min set in the local shopping mall for three people and a dog. No I exaggerate, there were three dogs, no really there was a good crowd and it was actually a lot of fun. I always find it fun modifying my material to suit 8 year old ears and I even had an audience participant dressed all in pink be my human microphone stand. Hilarious stuff. Yes It's the Rotorua Festival of the Arts and I'm having a lovely time. Look ma, I'm finally playing Vegas.

This one is even better than usual however as I'm staying at the Novotel! Yes that's the Novotel. The flash place where I don't have to be suspicious if people take my bags, where they call me maam and where people actually bring me food to my room. I get so excited about room service I usually take photos of it. I haven't done that yet but it is early days.

I arrived yesterday, freshly sunburnt from the Christchurch Busker's Festival. There I was staying somewhere slightlyly less palatial - My Parent's house. Again I had a bloody marvellous time. I tell you there are worse ways to make a living than trip about the country making people laugh in the summertime. In Christchurch I performed 4 nights in a row at the Loaded Hog to roughly 300 people a night. Rock and Roll. They had a comedy club going that featured both busking types and comediennes. I explained to the audience that though I couldn't juggle, I was very good with balls, even managing 4 at once when I'm feeling lucky. They seemed to understand me.

It was an amazing vibe in a packed Hog and I wasurprisedy suprised to find many many single men in the audience. I gather I was a little intimidating for your average Christchurch type though with my week being disappointingly chaste. One man did offer up the pick-up line "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I could sure make your bed rock" but only because he thought it would make a nice addition to my act. Ahhh well.

There was one man on my second night that deserves special mention. Ahhhh he was a treasure. He was part of a stag night, which I think stands for Stupid Tossers And Gonads. He was a prime gonad this one. When I told people to chat amongst themselves briefly while I collected my props he felt it would be a lovely moment to scream "LOSE WEIGHT" at me. Isn't that just too too special for words.

Ahh yes well XTRA if people found me intimidating before that moment you can just imagine what they thought after. Suffice to say, I was so enraged at that shit that I unleashed a torrent of abuse not seen since Mr Hilton thought he might do an internet search to see what his daughter had been up to. His genetalia was treated to a number of stunted vegetation references, as was his brain. His sexual prowess was found comparable with the life-span of bubbles and his general appearance was likened to a baboon's diseased nether regions.

I never actually saw his physique but I'll bet a significant amount that the beer he imbibed to fuel such a neanderthal statement isn't doing his waistline any favours. I was so incensed I went into a swearing frenzy and a bouncer commented at the end of my act; "You have got one filthy mouth - but that was fucking funny." Thank god for that.

That was the only blight on my time in Christchurch however. My parents came along to see me and blushed in all the right places. I saw heaps of wonderful international and local performers. I saw Sam Wills take his testicles out and put them on the forehead of a heckler in a show aptly names - Midnight Madness (ahhh boys). I saw Mario Queen of the Circus crowd surf around a busking audience in Cashel Mall. And I saw more jugglers than you could throw 5 devilsticks at.

Then yesterday morning I got up early, flew back to Auckland, packed up my car and drove to Rotorua in anticpation of Hot Pink Does RotoVegas tomorrow night. Guess I'll just have to see you there!

Merry Xmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaassssss.

I hope Santa emptied his bulging sack into your stocking, um er so to speak, and your day was filled with joy, laughter and little Tiffany boxes.

As for me, well for the Ashtons this year Xmas was pretty much cancelled.

Not in any sort of bah-humbug kinda way, just in a my sister is getting married on the 6th January kinda way and so we all can't be bothered.

I rang her a week before Xmas and said: "Uhhhh, have you got me a present? Coz I haven't got you one and if not, well, let's just not hey? You're getting married which is SOOOOO much more important than me spending $30 on a Cook Book don't you think?"

Luckily she agreed and I saved $30, kerching!

I also didn't arrive in the den of evil, oh sorry Christchurch, till Xmas night at 8pm so my parents didn't even have a tree up. So as I say, Xmas is cancelled. The flight was about $100 cheaper so I thought screw it, even if I won't be at the Dux de Lux on Xmas Eve for the first time in 7 years and therefore not find a random man to tongue pash in the Botanical Gardens, I'll save money.

And it wasn't just me saving money.

As I was flying on Xmas Day I would have thought that Air NZ might make some sort of festive effort. But Ebeneezer Airlines didn't even dish out a mince pie. I know times are tight in the airline industry but a bit of tinsel might have been nice. Some of the groundstaff made an effort with wobbly alien antennae with reindeer on top, or the occasional Santa Hat. BUT a splosh of eggnogg and a piece of nougat wouldn't have gone astray.....tightwads.

However I did have a lovely Xmas Dinner at my mates' place in Mt Eden. The happy couple got a Kylie calendar from me which sent them both into a camp tizzy of excitement and I got a nice religious ring with a celebratory pic of a man being tortured on a cross. Some people call it a crucifix but I call it S&M. We then guzzled back copious quantities of wine, fizzy and otherwise and I ate a trifle that had so much sherry in it my liver is now pickled.

The next celebration is New Year's in Tata Beach, Golden Bay way and then the wedding.

There the challenges will be to stop my Dad gorging on quality wine and then insisting on singing "Tonight I celebrate My Love for You" as my sister walks down the aisle, AND stopping one of uncles from trying to tongue pash my friend as he attempted to do at my 21st.

Ahhhhhh family. I'll keep you posted.

Holy crap if this week hasn't gone fast!

Sorry to my faithful three readers for being slack but as you're all fully immersed in the silly season of getting pissed, pashing that guy from three cubicles down and photocopying your arse, you're probably feeling like me.

Turned out my computer was fine, just had a wee moment with itself to reflect on life, the universe and everything and then came back to me. If I were a hippy I would say it was because I loved it and set it free, but I'm not so I'll just say it's a dumbass piece of technological crap. No HP's for me ever again except in sauce.

SO now I'm furiously designing my new poster for the new show and desperately trying to get work done as opposed to chatting on Skype, MSN, Myspace or a combination of all three.

I mean really, once upon a time we used to talk to each other face to face and now most of my discussions are done in pixel form. I was asked to be a bridesmaid on MSN, my friend just told me he was engaged on Skype and I've text "fancy a shag" numerous times.

Soon our vocal chords will cease to evolve due to lack of use. I'll go to say "I'd like a Diet Coke with my McChicken Feast Pack please" and a weird beeping sound will come out instead. Luckily due to excessive playing of Pacman in his youth the counter guy will understand.

OK OK so in reality I guess this might not happen, for a start any McDonalds counter guy would view PS2 as old technology in computer games, but more than that I would still be using my vocal chords when the shag came around after he received the text to say such encouraging things as; " it doesn't matter it happens to everyone", "no not even by accident" and "OOh OOh OOh digger put your stingray barb in my kangaroo pouch."

Obviously I'm full of shit.

I think I might just IM my friend in Vancouver to tell him all about it.

Nice.

FFFUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

SO after extolling the virtues of Wi-Fi on my laptop in Hong Kong, I get home to NZ and boot it up to......NOTHING. AAArrggghhhhhhh, the FL converter or somesuch on the screen has crapped itself like an epileptic and gone fut. (Relax I am epileptic, I can say that.)

On my flattie's computer now and the online forums mention the FL bizzo so will have to get it fixed. Worst possible timing as I was planning on getting a new one in 4 months or so when I had time to research it properly and not in the middle of producing three season of work.

CCUUNNTTTT.

OK feeling better now, not having to use asterisks is making me happy. Cunty Cunt Face! Arse poo-knuckles of felching wangers.

OK slightly better now.

Apart from that final 12 hr flight not so good. Didn't get as much sleep BUT an ex-school buddy was the trolley dolley so I got a few perks in the form of a toothbrush, an eye-mask, some ear-plugs and a glass of bubbles before take-off.

Rock and Roll!

My Super Ex-Girlfriend wasn't as bad as I anticipated but saccharine Aussie drama about imaginary friends called Opal Dreams was a bit arse. Nice chicken meal but morning omlette a bit of a let-down.

Wow bet all three of you are riveted by that, I think it's time to gibber into delirium watching kids TV.

OOOhhh what's through the round window.

Hello from Hong Kong airport.

12 hours in and 12 to go before it's Aotearoa and I had to plug this lovely airport with its lovely free wi-fi.

It's a far cry from being herded like cattle in LA and finger-printed and corneally scanned then sat in a hideous vintage waiting room with floury apples to eat.

I also have to say Pirates of the Carribean 2 is a load of shite. It's just an excuse for a sequel and a badly realised one at that. Having said that Johnny is still hot and Orlando is still beautiful and Keira is still a rake.

Joyeaux Noel however is a beautiful flick about Germans, Scots and French troops putting down their weapons and having a Xmas together in 1914. Don't you just love those movies that make you bawl like a baby on a flight and so arrive at your destination looking even more puffy and retarded.

Still better than screaming like a baby which makes everyone else arrive looking the same. Sometimes infanticide aint such a bad thing.

Happy to report that the braised Lamb was quite tasty and that calories in the air don't count.

Choice.

OH and I guess it's about time for this:

A Kiwi Xmas
Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach
Not even a weta was making a scratch
Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there
The children were snoozing in a light summer's breeze
Whilst dreaming of pudding and lime green cream freeze
And dad in his walk shorts and I in my jandals
Had just settled down for a couple of handles
When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was
I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians
The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp
Lit he beach up just like Eden Park
But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by 8 tiny sheep
With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa
Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name
Now, Kevin! now, Sharlene! now, Rangi and Beck!On, Darryl! On Shazza! on, Bilbo and Shrek!
To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, All!
As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky
So up to the top of the bach they flew
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too
With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof
4 Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs
And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound
He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot
A bundle of toys he had on his back
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac
He looked like he’d come from the beauty parlour
With rosy red cheeks like pohutakawa
A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears
He had a broad chest and a round beer gut
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t stop it
He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up
And I quickly realised he wasn’t a nut
He went straight to the socks without saying a thing
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings
Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash
He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition
And then they took off, like some NASA mission
But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
“Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!”



Merry YMCA

Well hello from pissing it down rainy London.

Won't be long till I'm back in pissing it down rainy Auckland so hooray for that.

Tour ended on Thursday night in Bristol with a good sized yet rather subdued crowd who wanted all squishy mushy stuff. Luckily I had some of that in the dark recesses of my mind and abandoned the cunty cunt face poem I was going to do.

I prefer the cunty cunt myself but that could have something to do with me being single.

It worked well though and Australasia got second! Woohooooo, still bottom of the table but nice to make it to a second at one stage. Not total losers after all.

From there it was a little bit of an emotional farewell at various bus and train stations and I journeyed back to London and leafy green Willesden Green.

For the next four days I have basically done NOTHING and it's been marvellous. I have a mountain of work waiting at home in the form of Publicity for the new show, marketing for the new show...oh and um yeah, writing the new show so i have soaked up the couch time here greedily.

My friend has Sky so all day I've wallowed in ER and Scrubs re-runs along with Celebrity Dancing with the Top Model Circus Monkeys with the Y Factor Idol. (They seriously have Cirque du Celebrite here where wannabes and has beens don lycra unitards and whack their nuts on roller bollers all presided over by Ruby Wax with a shit script. Genius.)

We did venture out from time to time. We braced Christmas on Oxford St briefly, which if you've never experienced is a process whereby you go all mushy over the pretty lights before being stampeded by a rampaging hoard of sale-seeking missiles with glazed expressions all gibbering about their upcoming giblets. Not fun, well maybe a bit, but only in small doses.

The highlight though of this brief London sojourn was on Saturday night when we hit the West End and headed to Avenue Q.

For those not in the know Avenue Q is a bit like Sesame St but with more puppet fellatio and gay angst. Yes it's a revamping of the children's show complete with fabulous songs like; "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" and "The Internet is for Porn" and has hilarious lines like when the Gary Coleman character declares; "I haven't had this much fun since I sued my parents!"

It was genius and the puppet sex scene, including cowgirl riding and hand guided blow-jobs will be seared in my memory forever. As will the Bert-esque character coming out to the Ernie-esque after being made homeless. Ahhhhh laugh, how we did.

Then on Sunday I headed to a Switch and Bitch party. This is where a group of girls got together to give away clothes they didn't want anymore, drink wine and eat cake. I gained a dress, a skirt, a jacket and a kilo. More genius.

Today after I finally get out of my PJ's (1pm is a perfectly reasonable time to get dressed) I'll be flying back to Aotearoa, so leave the light on and the door unlocked, I'm coming home.

Hello from the seat of learning and buggery that is Oxford.

Last night we played to a packed house at the Zodiac Bar and I was third again...just. SO nearly second AND so nearly fourth BUT a brilliant gig with loads of people. The night before in Brighton was also a brilliantly packed gig with great atmosphere. It's great these gigs are picking up and are a far cry from the 7 or so people in Leicester or the black hole of energy sucking that was Nottingham.

Not a lot else to report except that the UK is FUCKED when it comes to wine. Well many things are fucked here, no need for cultural cringe Kiwis let me tell you and as such can you imagine walking into a bar in NZ and asking for a wine list to be told "we have red or white"?

OK OK I can't speak for Huntly but otherwise you'd be laughed back to 1975.

And last night was even better.

I asked; "so do you just have red or white?" to be told "no we only have red"!!! I mean really. I ordered it anyway, from a barman who incidentally was obviously taking a brief break from his existentialist philosophy degree and moved at the speed of Britney Spears to a MENSA meeting, and it was a passable drop, but it was no Wither Hills let me tell you.

Still Wither Hills is near Blenheim (I believe) and I don't think they would turn out 100 people to a performance poetry event so I'll stop complaining.

But only briefly.

xo

Kia Ora!

I have 4 minutes so I'll be brief.

Hello from sunny Brighton, I think I saw the sun for 2.3 minutes today. Seaside resort my ass.

Scotland was motherfucking freezing. BUT I managed to keep warm in Glasgow with physical exercise.

I was smiling all day.

Tonight we play Komedia, a great venue to hopefully a great crowd.

Oh and Australasia is still bottom of the table, we nearly made second again last night, but why break with tradition.

xxxooo

Hello from the easy internet cafe in Glasgow. No that's not a place for loose chicks to hang out, but a nice chain of cheap internet in the UK.

We hit the bonny land of Scotland yesterday but as we had last night off we headed to a nice weeeee pub for a traditional meal. I dined on a Stovie, which is a kind of stew involving no offal whatsoever. It may seem weird but the stomach of a cow is not what I consider the best cooking vessel.

Then Sonya and I hit headed to a groovey pub where there were a lot of very pretty Scottish men making unintelligable statements I presume was English but can't be too sure. BUT when we decided to head to another pub everything had bloody shut.

So much for hard partying Glasgow, everything was closed at 12am! Except the clubs of course and so we were herded into a mini-van where we were guranteed free entry to a place called Madness. I wasn't all that hopeful given that most members of the van were missing some teeth and pushing 50, and on arrival I was vindicated in my expectations.

It was hideously hilarious. Santaettes dancing on the bars with the most bored expressions doing choreographed routines to April Sun in Cuba etc.. Think the Palladium c1994, think Leftfield c2001, think Rain c2002 and you get the idea. And if you're not in Auckland, Wellington or ChCh, just think low class, low cut, white pants and bacardi breezers.

Yes I am a raging snob.

Newcastle went well and I got to catch up with my mates from when I was there in May which was lovely. My first poem totally tanked but the latter one made up for it, but after getting the lowest score yet I didn't have a catholic's chance in hell of getting anywhere.

Ahh well.

Wish me luck for tonight!

Wooooohoooo, I just found out I got accepted into the Canadian Edmonton Fringe Festival and that excites me very much. So North America, look out, here I come!

In the mean time the north of England and Scotland need to brace themselves as the Four Continents Slam is rolling into town.

Bolton was a wonderful crowd. Very rock and roll and my Catholic Bashing Poem went down a treat which was nice.

We then headed to Nottingham which was a cute city but a shit gig. Black hole of energy, nice people but they sucked in everything we gave them and gave nothing back. Art wanky way of saying my least favourite gig so far.

I am currently luxuriating in the beautiful Kate Fox's house in Newcastle where I'm about to have a meal provided before we take off to the gig. How nice.

Oh and if you're curious we're still last, though we were 0.1 off making the final last night! Hooray for the losers.

xxoo

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OK so hello from Leicester. City of good curries and ....... good curries. While some of my teamates aren't enamoured with this town it seems fine to me and so here I sit in an internet/off-license/convenience store. Ahhhhh the glamour. The tour is rollicking along though I am not in the ZONE yet.

By that I mean the time zone. I keep waking up at 7am after getting to sleep at 2am and as such my head feels heavier than the bags under my eyes are looking. Pretty.

SO far we have played London and Cambridge and audiences haven't been massive. Which is a shame as it's a great show. So if you're reading spread the word and come and see us, I'm the one whose the comic relief with the sparkly outfits, hard to miss.

Last night we stayed in a Travel Lodge and I don't reccomend it. They have no bath mats in the rooms and explain why thus; apparently bath mats cause significant amount of injuries in the UK due to slipping on them, so they are saving us injury by not providing them...and of course saving them money.

Still I don't like to complain as someone else if paying the bill and that's so bizarre and rare for me I'm loving it.

ANYWAY Australasia hasn't made the final either night with America taking out the first night and Africa the second. BUT as they say the points aren't the point, poetry is the point. Which is a load of bollocks way to say we're all for a caring sharing good time! Lucky for us I say.

Right, my computer is out of time....better go!

I'm fucked!

Penny

Hello from old London town. I would gush forth with interesting tidbits and witticisms except I am completely and utterly fucked. Nothing like a 24 hour flight accompanied by my sacred lady time to complete knock the stuffing and a fair amount of iron out me.

I'm reclining on my friends couch, hoping to recuperate in time for OPENING NIGHT! Yes I am about to hit the tour trail in the UK with an international poetry group. 9 Poets from all over the world could be heading to your town so check out where we're going and come and so hi.

I promise to be witty then, otherwise stay tuned for results. It's a poetry slam tour which means there'll be a winner every night as voted by the audience. Fingers crossed!

The Hammer and Tongue Four Continents Slam

The four corners of the globe slam together

Event: The Four Continents Slam: UK Tour
Dates: Tuesday 24th November 7th December 2006
Venue: London, Cambridge, Leicester, Bolton, Nottingham, Leeds, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Brighton, Oxford, Reading, Bristol

Some of the best spoken word artists that the world has to offer will come together next month for Hammer and Tongue’s “Four Continents Slam Tour”. The tour will take teams of top performers from Africa, North America, Europe and Australasia to tour the UK in a series of high profile poetry slams.

A poetry slam is a high-energy performance poetry competition held in public where random members of the audience are asked to judge the competitors with an Olympic-style scoring system. The result, invariably is high octane, highly entertaining performance that is both exciting and relevant to the audience.

The Artists:

Europe:

Elvis McGonagall (Scotland) - The current world slam champion
Henry Bowers (Sweden) - World slampionships runner-up 2005

Africa:

Kojo Baffoe (South Africa) - Monstafunk productions supremo
Ardreattah Chuma (Botswana) - Star of Exodus Live Poetry

North America:

John Akpata (Canada) - Capital Slam Champion 2005
Sonya Renee (USA) - 2004 US National Slam Champion

Australasia

Penny Ashton (New Zealand) - Critically acclaimed comedy poet
Thom the World Poet (Aus) – Legendary traveling street poet

Hosted by:

Steve Larkin (England) - Spoken Word Olympic International Champion


London - Fri 24th Nov, 7:30, The Cochrane Theatre, Southampton Row, London 020 7269 1606
Cambridge - Sat 25th Nov 7:30, Mumford Theatre, Anglia Ruskin University, East Road, Cambridge, CB1 1PT, 0845 196 2320
Leicester - Sun 26th Nov, 8pm, Firebug, 1 Millstone Lane, Leicester, LE1 5JN 01865 200550 Leeds - Mon 27th Nov 8pm, Brudenell Social Club , 33 Queens Rd, Leeds, LS6 1NY, 0113 275 2411
Bolton - Tue 28th Nov 8pmThe Phoenix, Bolton, Lancashire BL1 2BG www.writeoutloud.net Nottingham - Wed 29th Nov 8pm Canal House, 48-52, Canal St, Nottingham, Nottinghamshire NG1 7EH, Tel: 0115 955 5060
Newcastle - Thu 30th Nov 8pmThe Cluny, 36 Lime St, Newcastle Upon Tyne, NE1 2PQ 0191 2331113
Glasgow - Sat 2nd Dec 8pmThe Halt Bar , 160 Woodlands Road, Glasgow, G3 6LF, 0141 352 9996
Edinburgh - Sun 3rd Dec 8pmBongo Club, 37 Holyrood Rd, Edinburgh, Midlothian EH8 8BA, 0131 558 7604
Brighton - Mon 4th Dec 8pm Komedia, 44-46, Old Steine, Brighton, East Sussex BN1 1NH, 01273 320399
Oxford - Tue 5th Dec 8pm Zodiac, 190 Cowley Road, Oxford, OX4 01865 420042
Reading - Wed 6th Dec 8pm South Street Arts Centre, 21 South St, Reading 0118 901 5234 Bristol - Thu 7th Dec 8pmThe Polish Club, 50 St. PaulÂ’s Rd, Clifton, Bristol, 07771900583

check http://www.hammerandtongue.co.uk/ NB not .org

OK so time for my first proper weekly bog entry.

How exciting.

I feel my subject should be a topic of sufficient gravitas as befits the occassion.......................HHHhhhmmmmmmm I know, porn!

And not just any porn, oh no, animal porn!

I know I know, how unusual from Pinky, something kinky, but wait this is hilarious.

And relax, I'm not talking beastiality, well not inter-species anyway. But you see in Thailand there is this Panda couple who are having difficulties.

It seems they just don't want to mate.

Despite the fact that they are in a country where sex is more available than Paris Hilton, these bears are refusing to do the Panda Position and so remain unprogenated.

Personally I feel for the poor lady panda. I mean imagine how it would feel. There you having a nice time chowing down on some bamboo and all of a sudden this obviously quite unattractive boy panda arrives.

He probably smells bad, has dubious toilet habits and keeps trying to ply her with fermented bamboo so she'll let him have his wicked panda way.

She's therefore keeping herself 'nice' till Panda Charming comes along. Of course we all know that there are generally fuck all pandas in the world, and finding a charming one is about as likely as me finding a decent single bloke in Auckland.

She, however, is steadfastly gripping her utopian dream like a Remuera debutante grips her Merchant Banker Fetish.

Their keepers though are frustrated with their lack of panda-tang and have decided to take an interesting approach.

For the next while the couple will be played porn in an effort to stimulate their breeding bits. And no I don't mean re-runs of Once, Twice Three Times a Labia, Shaving Ryan's Privates and In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon, I mean actual panda porn.

And anyway watching human porn wouldn't help in the slightest for mating purposes.

For a start the first thing the male Panda would do was to try and fix the plumbing. Then the two girl pandas would get down to some serious rug tending while the boy panda watched. Then when finally some mating did occur, just at the crucial moment the boy would pull out and aim at the girl panda's face. Hopeless.

No they're been shown footage of two other pandas at it like.....well pandas. It's the karma sutra for the Oriental Bear and they're hoping it will bear fruit.

I'll keep you posted.

Cheers

In honour of my new column I am going to publish some of the best of my old ones. The following is from my Xtra Column of August 2004.

Hot Vince

As I fell asleep on the toilet floor this morning after throwing up everything I didn’t eat for breakfast, I contemplated back on the night before.

My mother would have asked if the evening was worth the pain and misery I was now enduring. She would have asked if all those red wines, beers and…..er bourbon and cokes were worth the gut wringing spasms and lung puking that was occurring.

And I would have to tell her, oh yes, yes it was.

The evening started as many do, with me preparing for my show here in Edinburgh. It was a Saturday night and I anticipated a good crowd and was excited at the prospect of possibly even 30 people. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up though as the show started with a meagre 16. Thankfully a further 6 trooped in AND what they lacked in size they made up for in charm.

Everything was going marvellously well and I even dropped the c word in as I felt we were really sharing. Jut after that I shielded my eyes from the spotlights to see if anyone put up their hands when I asked who liked a damn good pash when….wait a minute….oh my god is it….yes it bloody well is….sitting in the back row of my show is none other than 70’s comedy poetry legend Pam Ayres. Holy shit! And I just used the c word, oh my god.

Yes mum, Pam Ayres was sitting there with a lovely crooked smile on her face at MY show. Seemingly unperturbed by c words she later told me that she really enjoyed the show and even gave me a hug and a kiss. Wow, how cool.

I then floated off to a friend’s house for a dinner party and that’s where the drinking began. What better way to consume wine than with couscous, chocolate torte and dip.
After dinner I had to rush back to another venue to do a late night gig. This one possibly didn’t go as well as I’d hoped so I drowned my sorrows in some beer and headed to the performers bar at the Gilded Balloon, where, for some university inspired flashback of stupidity, I started drinking Jack Daniels.

I was having a perfectly lovely time flirting with an Oxford grad that runs a film company when none other than Vince Vaughan walks into the bar. Yes that’s right Vince Vaughan. For those who don’t know VV was the cool dude in Swingers, the Psycho in the remake and is the half of Dodgeball that isn’t Ben Stiller. He’s sexy he’s hot (though not quite so much at 3am) and he’s cool so I went over and chatted to him. (I did mention the wine, beer and bourbon huh?) For a Hollywood star he was pleasant, slightly stand-offish and not keen to be interviewed for National Radio on my mini-dat recorder. Ahhhh well.

Then after chatting to Oxford man some more I decided to run off with Jack Daniels, however when I went to leave at 5am Oxford was waiting for me and it would seem he was very keen for a coxed pair. I agreed to a chaperone home but soon it became apparent that he would have raised his hand in my show when I asked the question “Who likes a damn good pash?” I managed to disentangle myself from his amorous intents and headed off alone.

I then got lost and three young Scottish lads called Jimmy, Ewan and Duncan (seriously) gave me bad directions so I got lost some more. Finally a lovely lady called Mary who was walking to work walked with me to the right destination. My bed!

Three hours later my alarm was ringing and I had to get up to go to a meeting. I thanked my lucky stars I felt fine BUT I guess I was just still drunk. Eventually the halo of the hangover descended and RALF and I became best mates. For the first time in my life I did a full show hungover and I must say, despite puking a good 15 times today, it was one of my best shows ever.

To ensure the same thing happens tomorrow I’m off for a drink now. I’m hoping that Edgar AllenPoe will show up in my audience, that I’ll pash Christian Slater and Keanu Reeves on the Royal Mile and that Jack Daniels and I will get married.

Did I mention I’m delirious by the way.

Choice.

Number One

OK so this is it, the beginning, or should I say the end.

I have been writing weekly columns on two of New Zealand's biggest websites, Xtra and NZGirl for the past four years and I have decided it's time to strike out alone! No more asterisks, no more "can you tone it down" and no where near as many readers I'd hazard to guess, BUT one has to start somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, they were both fabulous and everyone involved was very supportive. I mean it's fair enough if they don't want me to say fuck-knuckle on their site.

I'm not exactly sure what can be achieved by saying fuck-knuckle in the first place.....but now I can and that makes me happy.

SO anyway, hello, nice to meet you, my name is Penny Ashton and I'm a comedienne, poet, writer, improviser, voice over artist, actor and social commentator.

What's your name?

What do you do?

What's your star sign?

Good.

Well nice to meet you, I'm going to go now but I hope to see you soon.

Choice.

PS Here's a soppy poem to read if you're in the mood
PPS ......fuck-knuckle, hehehehehe


Finger Licking Good

I’m counting my chickens
My plot has just thickened
My mind is a riot of free range smitten
Thoughts, that I’d previously fought, didn’t want to get caught
In the No. 8 wire of expectations, fraught, overwrought
Valentine’s bought
for a man I just met
BUT I am counting my chickens
Coz its been slim pickins And I’m having more fun than a pig in the thickest mud
He boils my blood
A relentless stud
Who causes a grey-less cloud free flood
Of smiles
Hours just whiled away in a bed
With new colours in my head Like yellow and strawberries and crispy French Bread
He’s the tickle of new things
Aeroplane wings, the eye-full tower in my bed springs
A fantastically dirty boy sexy fresh fling
Who hangs round my neck like a beautiful bling
With a chest doused in hair
And my underwear
And sometimes I just forget to come up for air
SO I’m counting my chickens
Coz this girl’s been bitten
Not bitter or quitter but just go and get him
I know it’s the glow of “In the Beginning”
But his herbs and spices are just finger licking