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The Bear Necessitites


2 March 2010

I hate camping. If god had meant us to camp he would have given us detachable colostomy bags. Pooing out of doors is nothing I have ever done, and proudly so.

Sure if I had one of those palace tents with verandas, porticos and a room for my shoes then I’d gladly raise my three fingered Girl Guide salute, but I’ve only ever had pup tents and it has always always rained.

The worst time being a music festival in Scotland when it not only rained, it pelted down like a Scotsman urinating after a stag do in Glasgow.

The field turned into a mud bath and I was forced to wear rubbish bags on my shoes but they were still ruined. Worse still they were Jimmy Choos.

OK, so maybe they weren’t, but that’s not the point.

Which is why I would rather watch Man vs Wild than participate. For a start my name is "Penny" and that will never do. "Bear" is the star of that show, so I would need to change mine to "Panther", "Gazelle" or "Three Toed Sloth".

Also, we may have been born in the same year but Bear was a special agent with British Forces and I wasn’t even Tawny Owl in the Brownies. If someone yells at me to "drop and give me twenty" I yell at them to "f" off. Discipline is required in battling nature’s elements, and the only thing I’m a disciple to is ensuring my nail polish matches my earrings.

I wouldn’t mind being dropped on a desert island, mind you. Just as long as a toilet, a cabana boy named Julio and an endless supply of pina coladas was dropped too. If they can organise a sound guy and a cameraman for Bear surely they could do a latino lover and some Bacardi for me?

I’ll send them an email and see.

Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls premieres Wednesdays beginning March 3 at 8.30pm on Discovery Channel.