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The Best Things in Life are Free

Fact File
New Series
S - Sexual content may offend
Comedy
C - Content may offend

24 February 2010

As an actor, I have an agent. Actually I have four. One for voice work, one for TV, one for corporate work and the webmaster at nzdating.co.nz.*

ANYWAY, I like to imagine my agents as constantly concocting ways to propel me towards the superstardom for which I know I’m destined. I am sure my picture is in their wallet, I am the wallpaper on their shiny Mac’s and their cellphone ringtones are undoubtedly my voice singing “FAME! I’m gonna live …” and so forth.

What I don’t imagine them doing is recounting for their boss’ pleasure what sexual endeavours their weekend entailed and whether or not they managed to score some “no-strings nobbing”.

But my agents don’t work for CMA in London as seen in UKTV’s latest comedy Free Agents. The boss, aka Anthony Head, has a mouth that makes Gordon Ramsay look like Brooke Fraser. He licks glass office walls, pelvic-thrusts the air and goads his staff into confessing “I’m as sexually sophisticated as a 15-year-old born-again Christian.” This is a slight departure from Head’s role as Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, though there are quite a few mentions of wood … just no stakes.

I’d like to quote more dialogue here, but if I did “Outraged of Huntly” would have me shut down faster than you can say “That’s a moustache on a lady”. Suffice to say the opening episode has 3 “c” words and 55 “f” words. Choice.

And if anyone can answer the question posed; “What do women want if they don’t want anal?” feel free to email the BBC.

*Only kidding about that last one. I have Internet-dated, but I didn’t like the experience. Sure you might get a pash and some free drinks, but I was never sure if I fancied the guy or if he was just the least retarded person** that emailed me.

** Apologies to anyone offended by the use of the word “person”.

Free Agents screens Friday 9.00pm on UKTV.