Yes yes yes, I've been crap. I know, LOOK stop bugging me about it all four of you! I have been VERY busy, I AM on tour you might remember, I am QUITE often drunk you realise.
Ah well I'm not drunk now (not through lack of trying but there was no one at the pub) BUT I am high on Diet Coke so I thought it was about time I splurged on some wordage and wrote about how many truly mental people there are in Toronto.
To be fair I am coming to you now live and uncut from Winnipeg where I arrived yesterday, and hey, there are some quite mental people here too, but in Toronto I lived between a homeless shelter and a nuthouse, so it was mental-palooza with lashing of spontaneous masturbation and a dribble of drool.
We in New Zealand rarely see people begging for money on the street. Sure it is a starting trend but for the most part anyone sitting on the sidewalk has generally twisted something running or is a home school child playing the piano to raise money to go to the Maths Olympiad.
Living in London I perfected my "sorry" smile and wave when being asked for money, and it got a big workout in Toronto. One man did make me laugh when he enquired; "Can you spare $100.......or maybe just some change" I still didn't give him anything, being a cold hearted bitch, but ahhhhh how we both giggled.
But then there were the just plain crazy, mamma took P when breastfeeding, Daddy hit me in the head with a brick and the state took away my lithium nutjobs EVERYWHERE!
In Starbucks a woman sat innocuously for a few minutes then started screaming, clutching at thin air, frothing at the mouth and going on and on about "McKenzie" being a cunt and how terrible the "niggerzzzzzzzzz, niggerz, niggerz niggerzzzzzz" were. Very Kramer from Seinfeld! (NOTE the N word is in quote marks, I did not say it!)
Then another woman sat next to me on the Street Car just incessantly babbling about "the world, and everyone's in the world and we all have you place and we have to be happy, and help each other and do the right thing in the world............" and just went onnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnn like a bad Martha Stewart episode. (Actually just like a Martha Stewart episode, they're all bad.)
When I got a text she leaned into me and said; "What a pretty sound, can you make it do it again, can you, can you, can you?!?!?" So i said; "No" and steadfastly ignored her, being the cold hearted bitch that I am.
One man was on the street dressed in black wizard's clothes ranting at traffic, another danced about outside Second Cup (Canada's Starbucks) and another crazy chick was singing to herself on the street. Oh, no wait.........that was me, but the rest were whack jobs.
The worst and craziest one of all though was the one who sat next to me on the Street Car, then told me she liked my pink eye-shadow, then flashed her badge at me and started talking about Jesus and the message. Totally mental, her badge said something about Latter Day Saints and she reckoned she was a missionary, I mean really, some people.
So yeah, Toronto, it has a Lake, a Tower (that I never went up!), a funky downtown, and a brigade of idiots six skaters short of a hockey team. I did seven shows there and had an OK time, the Fringe is hard and it wasn't the most fun I've had performing, but I stayed with a lovely lady and got a feel for the place.
One woman who often gets felt in the place was the topless chick who interviewed me about the environment on the street for the Naked News. That was a highlight and if you like to watch the NN look out for me. I'm the one staring at the other chick's tits, I mean really, where was I supposed to look!
SO onwards and upwards, Winnipeg here I am, so get off your arse and come and see my HOT PINK BITS!
