Today I discovered a magical place. A place of luxurious lace stockings, slippery Saturdays, peek a boo panties and pink-sugary candy cotton bods.

No I didn’t disappear into the Playboy Mansion high on LSD and food colouring, I discovered the Twitter feed of one little Ms Courtney Stodden.

For those in the don’t know, Stodden makes up half of a newly wedded couple in domestic bliss. The other half is Doug Hutchison. An actor who has been around a while and has starred in Lost, The X Files, The Green Mile, 24, China Beach, Diagnosis Murder... blah blah blah.

Interestingly whilst he was playing Eugene Victor Tooms in the X-Files in 1994 his now wife was doing something else entirely. She was being born. Yup Doug is 51 years old and Courtney just turned 17.

Personally I too like a younger partner. My boyfriend is younger than me and it makes for virile times. SO he's only two years younger but hey so what. Two years, thirty-five years what's the difference?

Uh the difference is that if my boyfriend proposes he doesn't have to get a letter signed from his Mummy to say he can get married (Which they happily provided, WTF). If my boyfriend wants a legal drink he doesn't have to wait 4 years. And more importantly my boyfriend is mature enough not to tweet the pure and utter dribbling rainbows of concentrated crap that this chick tweets. OK so he doesn't always hang up the bathmat BUT his Facebook feed is intelligent and doesn't use the words "joyously join me in sweet conjunction." Thankfully, or I would be joyously taking my ass in the opposite direction faster than you can say negative IQ.

It is so tempting to blame the girl for being a total bimbo when the ADULT in this equation is the man..... but it's just so easy when she writes shit like this:

"Lubricating my limber legs with a creamy lotion that electrifies my luminescent captivation, lustrously. It's Slippery Saturday! XOs! ;-)"

That's SO what I do on Saturdays too. That and look up words that start with L.

or

"Saturated within a superb Sunday as Gods love beams brightly! "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... " 1 John 4:18"

Yup I see her vulva bulging through her bikini pics and I immediately think of John 4:18 too.

or

"Having a mysterious Monday morning by motioning myself to magnetic sensual melodies as I prepare for a brand new beautiful day! Mmmeow! ;-)"

Arrghhh she's alliterating to the point of justified homicide and ummmm is "motioning myself" code for taking a crap?

And just one more before you go to bed...

"As the day concludes... I salaciously caress the key that seductively unlocks nothing else... but the powerful pleasure... of the night. ;-)"

Adverbs must shake and tremble when Courtney starts to write, they get a bigger workout than her abs. And I presume she means she's masturbating here? What would John 4:18 make of that!

I tell you what though, boy is it catching. I can feel her starting to take over as I am tremulously typing my titillating truisms and tenderly tweaking this treatise on the towering tidal wave of totally turgid trash this tramp turns out.

BUT as I say she is 17, she has some growing up to do if cocaine and Charlie Sheen don't get her first. The dude is the deplorably despicable dickwad who indulges his delusions in her peek a boo panties and is a dinosaur doofus who deserves derision most definitely.

OK there I have said my piece, I am off to wash my mind out so those tweets don't settle and make me any more stupider and my Alliteration Levels can return to normal.