Imagine, if you will, that my mother was walking down the street when suddenly a group of yelling, pissed idiots with their faces painted called her a f**king wanker then spat on her.

You would be outraged for her would you not?

And yet that is exactly the type of behaviour displayed by numerous NZ'ers last weekend towards our neighbours and closest allies, all in the name tossing about a bit of pig-skin.

No I don’t mean a circumcision, I mean rugby.

My mother you see is Australian. That’s right she harks from Northern Queensland where strolling barefoot is an adventure sport, crocodiles are for riding and the phrase “Awww struth mate, me thong is up me arse” is not code for a wedgie, but something all together more exciting.

As such I have visited the world’s largest island numerous times, initially to see family and latterly to perform at various festivals. And guess what? They’re not a pack of flaming dick-head c**ts. OK so sure, there are some, I may even be related to some, but all I need to say is Michael Laws to prove we have our own special needs citizens.

Even more proof is the pack of dickhead c***s who spat on Australian fans and told them to “all f*** off back to Australia” who were reported in the NZ Herald. I mean really. I am so sick of all this bollocks. I had it growing up constantly with my Aunts and Uncles giving my Dad shit and him dishing it back three times as hard. Bloody Kiwis this, Bloody Aussies that. It was enough to make me run away to Auckland BUT I would never have done that because Auckland was a TERRIBLE place to live according to all other Cantabrians.

So instead I went to London to listen to the Scottish and Irish whinge about the English, and as tedious as that is too it made a bit more sense. So tell me, when did Australia slaughter a whole lot of NZ’ers and try to break their national spirit. When did Australia steal the Stone of Bolger and crown King Kevie on top of it to add vegemite to injury? When did the ambiguity of a cream meringue dessert’s origin cause mortal enmity? When did American’s mistaking Crowded House as Australian mean World War Three. (And let’s be honest 2 out of 3 band-members being Australian means they almost are, even if the NZ element wrote most of it.) And when was the bowling of one underarm ball an open indication of the imminent slaughter of all your first born?

Uhhh I’ll tell you when, never.

Instead we see a country who OK, may sometimes be condescending towards it’s smaller neighbour but they do have 5.36 times the population we do. After all Fiji is 4.79 times smaller than us and we have been known to judge Captain Bananarama. BUT more to the point they send help in earthquakes, they send mining equipment and expertise when asked, they send delicious pineapples and they sent my Mum.

So seriously leave the poor green and golds alone and stopping acting like dick-heads New Zealand. Let's rise above like a giant Pavlova, whilst playing Better Be Home Soon and tossing about a ball however we choose.

SO there.

PS However if someone does knee Richie McCaw in the head, well then maybe boo a little. Not that I care about sport anyways.

PPS The intra-parochial bullshit is dumb too, Auckland after all, is rather nice. More on that later I expect.

Nigella says what we have always thought she was thinking....

The funniest thing I have seen today. Check your music tracks people, check them well.

The Lovely NZ Suffragette, Kate Shepherd.

I was recently told when recording a voice over for a TV ad for a financial company, that it was lucky to have gotten this job. To be honest I always feel lucky when someone pays me to read words into a microphone. Voice Over work is brilliant. I stand in a small padded room whilst ad execs listen to my dulcet tines through their black clothes and tell me to smile more, be more friendly or, in the case of chocolate commercials, imagine you're lady parts are being pleasured quite emphatically.

Sorry where was I?

Oh yes, voice overs so I already knew I was lucky to be at this voice recording but when I was told why, I was less impressed.

You see when this enlightened marketing executive had told her Australian counterparts they were using a woman to sell their products those Fair Dinkum Dunderdoofers (scientific name) had exclaimed in an aghast fashion; "Oh but you can't use a female voice-over, people don't trust women."

Let's repeat that for fun; "People don't trust women."

Gee, the last time I looked 50% of "people" were women. Unless they were adopting that Canadian stance from pre-1928 that deemed women were not people and actually had to be changed by law. (Oh and while we're on the subject women in Quebec only got the vote in 1940, Switzerland in 1971 and Lichenstein in freaking 1984!)

SO in essence this man (and yes it was a man) was saying that we all distrust half of the world. Gee and just when I think we have come a long way along comes someone to make me go all Emily Pankhurst again. I guess that's why they didn't want us to vote all those years ago, in case we couldn't be trusted not to all vote for the McGillicutty Serious Party, or even worse ACT.

I wonder if this guy ever ran to his mummy when he scraped her knee? Or maybe he screamed when she approached, assuming her concerned expression was mocking laughter and the savlon she was waving was arsenic death paste. I wonder if he lets his girlfriend have her own eftpos card in case she causes another global recession. (Though that is highly unlikely, the last time I looked most of the "people" who fucked up the economy were men. It is also unlikely he has a girlfriend too I expect.)

Thankfully the Kiwi Marketing exec was more influenced by NZ's history of suffRAGE and went with me. Women here got the vote in 1893 in NZ and so I can do financial voicevers.

Though it's hardly all equality roses and no-sexist sunshine here. In the latest "Most trusted Poll" of NZers, there were only 4 women in the top 20. Still in the bottom ten there was only one woman too, depressingly suggesting that many people just don't bother to think about half the population at all.

Well hopefully when they turn on the tele and hear me, they'll appreciate a nice lady voice even if just for 30 seconds, and we can start to chip away at all those gender bullshit stereotypes.

So there.