An Indecent Proposal

I'd like to make a Proposition.

Well actually I'd like to unmake one.  Proposition 8 to be exact. 

Now for those of you unaware in California right now is a debate raging over gay marriage.  It was legalised by the Supreme Court in May 2008 after a long history of nuptials and annulments which included the Governator twice Terminating a chance to make it legal.  (Though once the Supreme Court's decision came through Arnie suddenly decided to invite America's gays to come and be married there to boost the economy.  Ahhhh capitalism.)

BUT the god-botherers and proponents of that old chestnut; "It's not natural" have gotten their chastity belts in a twist and have rallied to have a Proposition added to the Election Ballot that as these marriages are not between a man and a woman they are unconstitutional.

It is called Proposition 8. Eight presumably being chosen as 6 x 6 x 6 = 216, which divided by 27 = 8.  I know!  So obvious....or was that tenuous...anyways I digress.

So cue Hue and Cry with both sides ratcheting up their campaigning leading up to the election. On one side, or shall we say camp, we have the Gaynesses attempting to sway Joe Average Californian that Adam and Steve are just as natural as their botox injections, soy lattes and eco-hybrid SUV's and therefore vote NO.  And in the blue corner are those arguing  that gay marriage will lead to Nanna being defiled by the Devil's pitchfork and Little Johnny fellating a goat.  (Guess which side I'm on!)

Funny how it's considered not natural for men to have sex not for procreation but many think it's perfectly fine to waste their perfectly good seed into a latex sheath or ejaculate into a pink devoid of eggs.  Also funny that many of these same people think Lesbian sex is perfectly natural, though prefer it if their breasts are not, and that the lesbians concerned are called Pandora Peaks and Little Oral Annie.

Given that its America of course we also have the celebrities wading into the ...um breech.  Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi were recently wed, so was George Tekai (aka Captain Sulu on the Enterprise) to his long time partner and Brad Pitt (though not obviously not gay, sorry lads) donated $100 000 to the campaign.

They have their work cut out for them however as churches rally to raise funds in one of the costliest campaigns in America after the Billion Dollar US election race itself.  The Mormons are taking a break from cycling and getting especially stuck in donating up to 70% of the cashflow and mobilising from Utah by emailing Californians and holding prayer meetings to influence voters.

People have even been quoting as saying this is more important that the General Election itself and that incredibly:

"If gay marriage is allowed to stand, some evangelicals suggest, it would force churches to marry gays, force schools to teach gay marriage, settling off a snowball effect and opening the door to pedophilia and bestiality. "A person could say, 'I love my dog, why should we not be married?'" said Anna Good, a member of the Skyline Westlean Church."  

Holy Fuck.

Yeah that's right, as I said, fellating goats.  

Of course Sarah Palin, (or as I prefer to call her Satan..... though actually no, I don't believe Satan exists and as much as I don't want her too she obviously does so I will amend that to Alaskan Goose Killing Drill Slut) is all in favour of Prop 8.  However the fact she is also in favour of Abstinence Only Sex Education and has a pregnant 17 year old daughter proves how much her opinions are rooted in reality so who gives a fuck what she thinks.

All of this is amusing too in light of the fact that California has previously been very progressive with Marital shenanigans:

In 1948, the California Supreme Court became the first state court in the country to strike down a law prohibiting interracial marriage. It was the only state supreme court to do so before the United States Supreme Court invalidated all such laws in 1967. The California Supreme Court held that "marriage is ... something more than a civil contract subject to regulation by the state; it is a fundamental right of free men ... Legislation infringing such rights must be based upon more than prejudice and must be free from oppressive discrimination to comply with the constitutional requirements of due process and equal protection of the laws" (Perez v. Sharp, 32 Cal.2d 711, 714-715 (1948)). The California Supreme Court explained that "the right to marry is the right to join in marriage with the person of one's choice" (Id., at p. 715).^[7]

BUT in 1977 they added that whole pesky man AND woman things and are now they are looking to set that in concrete.  SO I would like to throw my 2 cents into this debate and say let's all hold hands and form a prayer circle and send negative thoughts to all those Californians who are so switched into the spiritual realm, making them vote NO when it counts.

Then the world's goats can look forward to some seriously good times ahead.

PS I am also a Civil Union Celebrant by the way, this is all an elaborate advertisement for my coupling services so if any of you wanna get hitched in wonderful Civil Union friendly NZ, get in contact!

PPS And now when I think maybe NZ isn't that progressive.... I mean it's funny actually that homophobic California may get Gay Marriage when NZ didn't seem to be able to stomach that either and had to go the Civil Union option.  Just a thought.

Rohypnol Girl

If the amount of posts on this blog this year was equivalent to the number of fence posts in a High Country Sheep Farm, then I'd be to farming what Madonna is to Marriage.

But then again if I was to set about being a farmer I'd lose about as much money to the man as she is about to to the Guy so all is even perhaps.

BUT I have decided to leap back on the blogging bicycle and hope that I don't fall off and scrape my knee and have to go crying to mummy.  I have fallen off two bicycles this year so this again is probably a shit analogy but let's call all this metaphoric twittering me casting off my training wheels.

Both those bikes were situated in Canada, so I will blame the fact I was upside down in the Northern Hemisphere and on the wrong side of the road for my falls from grace.  In the first instance I was in Montreal showing how easy it was to jump up on a curb and in the second I was in Saskatoon attempting to cycle with a swathe of Busty Rhymes with MC Hot Pink Posters under my arm.

Yes, I'm a dick.

I have been back in New Zealand for a whole 3 weeks now after my four month tour of Canada, (where I also visited Canada's famed "Town that Rhymes with Fun", Regina....hehehehe) and predictably I am bored.  I guess I am incapable of relaxing.  STILL as I'm sure everyone outside of NZ is well aware we are in full election mode, like some other country, and so there is quite a lot of political rhetoric to wade through to attempt to find the truth.

Either way I'll still vote for Labour.  I personally am quite fond of Prime Minister Helen Clark and no I don't give a shit what clothes she wears, how she does her hair, how her teeth are somewhat askew, that she is childless (Oh how oh how can she be a real woman....) or that she has a deep voice.  I think all of this is ACTUALLY entirely irrelevant in being the leader of Aotearoa.  Can she govern.  Fuck yes.  End of sexist story.

I also don't think; "It's time for a change" is any reason to vote for anything.  If that were the case then it would be time for the All Blacks to start winning games or TVNZ to start funding NZ Comedy with any regularity.  And is that about to happen, I doubt it.

But anyway.

I am home and have decided to stay in NZ for the bulk of next year touring Godzone.  This may be good timing in the face of the NZ dollars tumble and the Global Credit Crunch, I just hope people feel the need for a laugh from time to time.  Apparently during that great time of a Vaudeville boom in the 30's there was some depression thingy going on, so fingers crossed a good dick joke will keep the populace amused when cheese costs the same as a Breast Augmentation.

I will miss some of North America's peculiarities however.

For example despite their propensity for being very loud and the fact the movie The Aristocrats hails from there, North Americans tend to be somewhat prudish.  Take swearing for example.  If you were to use the word cunt or retard (a personal favourite) onstage in Canada OR America it's like you have defiled Chelsea Clinton onstage with a miniature Statue of Liberty.  There is a collective tightening of sphincter in the room and an audible silence.  As you can imagine I therefore enjoyed using it with reckless regularity.

Their dating habits are also curiously entertaining.

I was in LA at the end of my trip (having just offended a whole bunch of teenagers with the C word) and attempting to get into a Nightclub.  My friend's friend name was NOT on the door as promised and so we waited for 40 minutes before being allowed in.  (Eddie Murphy even got in before us!  I mean really, hadn't the bouncer seen Dr Doolittle AND he was wearing sunglasses at night, twat.)

When we eventually got in I was accosted by a man who was so drunk he could hardly focus on my tits.  He grabbed my arm, pushed it and me up against a pillar and proceeded to read me a pick-up line.....from his cellphone!  What romance in today's digital age.  He was probably an out of work actor sick of learning all those lines that never got him anywhere.

I saw another wildly romantic man in Canada's famed West Edmonton Mall who was wearing a T-Shirt that said: "I may not be Mr Right....BUT I'll FUCK you till he comes along."  Wow, I want me one of him.  I wonder too how often that works out for him as well.  Woman throwing themselves at him saying: "Alright I'm desperate, let's fuck."

Yes well.

BUT the man who takes the cake, muffin and pikelet was the one I encountered in beautiful Vancouver.  A man I met while I was .... asleep.  Yes having imbibed a little too much Fanta I decided my friend's couch was the perfect place to pass out after a bowl of All Bran at 3am.  

So I did. 

The next thing you know I am being awoken ........... by someone kissing me.  Nothing like been woken up by the gentle lapping of a strangers tongue in your mouth to make you feel sexy.  I blinked up at this person WHO I HAD NEVER MET IN MY LIFE and asked him what he was doing.  He replied; "Can I kiss you again?" to which I said, as any self-respecting girl would, "Ok".  SO he did, and then it began to dawn on me that this was a little, um how to say it.... um WRONG.

He pulled back and said those words every girl dreams of; "Uh sorry I'm just really really horny." To which I replied "Ewwwwwwww" and ran off and got into bed with my mate for a night of platonic hugging.

CAN YOU FREAKIN BELIEVE THAT!?!?!

I guess he had trawled the bars and supermarkets all night and found no drink he could spike so came home and was beside himself with joy as there was a girl on his couch, and he didn't even need to waste a Rufie.  I mean if I'm asleep I can't scream right and If "No means no" then I guess "No no, means yes!".  I just wish I'd bitten off his tongue, which actually would have helped with my munchies too.

ANYWAYS I am back in NZ and will soon be trawling bars and supermarkets myself looking for a NZ man who doesn't pack a wad of Rohypnol next to his condom from 1995 in his wallet.  Till then I have Winston Peters to keep me sexually satisfied and highly amused.

Oh dear, I think I just made myself ever so slightly sick in my mouth.

Toodles.

The only person who kisses me when I'm awake.  Victoria Fringe Festival Dressing Room!